EMBROIDERERS DIARY | LONDON
As I have mentioned before, I had a mini existential crisis at the end of last year that just lasted a bit too long. Since end of January I've been feeling better and have worked for it quite a bit, my larger goal and culmination for getting back on track with my wellbeing was planning a trip to London. It was a sudden decision, but I knew I just had to make it happen.
My relationship with London have varied quite a bit, when I was 10 London was my dream place to visit and my mom made it come true. That was good 15 years ago, the photos from that trip are funny and memories are also very varied, I mean, you can tell there is a dissonance between what a 10 year-old thinks is cool and what my mom wanted to see. Later when I was 20 I moved to London, that already was a different ambition and reality; I thought I would finish my studies and could live there for maybe 10 years. The result - after my first year I came home to Latvia for the summer and after that I could not get into a plane without feeling all the emotions and at least few tears. I had regular emotional breakdowns from being away from my family, I was working and studying at the same time, so I could not visit home on school breaks and it made my time on London emotionally distraught.
And then Covid happened. That was my second year, we were planning for my mom to visit, my boyfriend too, and my rommates parents were supposed to visit from the States too, but that all flew out of the window sooner than we could process it. Emotions got hightened when I realised I cannot get home, not even a little bit and not even for few days, to hug and kiss my loved ones. All my time in London I was thinking I just don’t like the environment, the culture and locals as they are. Turns out it was depression and burn out from the extremely tense regime - around 30 hours a week at work and full time studies 5 days a week, without time to be sick, to rest or just even be with my thoughts alone for a moment. Add perfectionism to the mix because you love what you are studying and then the only thing left behind is a carcass of a person. When I understood that I can study remotely for my last year, I was so happy to leave London, I cannot even explain how happy. I packed my bags and with all the emotions came home. Yes, it was Covid and home was not the same as before but I was willing to kiss each blockhouse, each tree, each trolleybus that was coming my way. When being in Riga for my last study year only then I could pay attention to my wellbeing or lack of it in London, and that was very hard to deal with. After handing in my Major project I had to go back to London to move out our apartment completely and while doing so I got happy about the good stuff I had there - going to RSN, I made such good friends and we had such cozy apartment there. When I was flying away from London, I never saw a reason for coming back.
Now it’s been a year and a half since my last visit to London and I just went again. I just started to miss it. The main reason to go back for a visit was Collect Art Fair to see contemporary craft and remind myself how professionally made art and craft costs, to be in the environment where I was raised as a craft professional and to remind myself my value; other reason - I just started to miss the life that I had there, about the little things. I craved going to those chain restaurants where we treated ourselves with my roommate on a bad day or when received a good grade (shoutout to Wagamamas, Sketch and Five Guys), and I wanted to show my mom the neighbourhood where we lived (right next to the school where Prince George and Princess Sharlotte went to) and also I just missed the cultural mess that is there. And I got it all.
My thoughts and feelings about London got changed after a conversation with an architect who lived in London too after studies. He said - London is a shitty place to live, but a good place to be at; that re-programmed my view on my time there. For me it was hard to accept how demanding that city is, at the same time generous and cruelly fast. O, a new exhibit, just in my field, but fuck, tomorrow is the last day and I have work till seven - that’s exactly how my time there was. You keep missing all the fun and useful events, that would be soooo useful but just end up paralysed in your own circumstances. And that’s why I really wanted to live in Riga again. Our culture events are high quality, they are hard to miss and we don’t have 9 million people living here. I can live here comfortably without renting a place with 5 other people. I knew I wanted family of my own, wanted to be close with my loved ones and to be able to attend birthdays on a random Tuesday evening and not plan it out 3 months ahead. They all are the little things of life, but they were and are important to me. Maybe that’s why when I have these little things here in Latvia I had to go back to London to collect those little things of life there. Only by being away from home I could understand the real price and value of home, and by not being in London I realised what I did have there.
If you have a student who is studying abroad send them a care package and when they are home feed them with their favourite home cooked meal. That is the best currency how to show you love them and wait for them to come home.
ever stitching and writing more,
Elīza 🪡
P.S. enjoy my photo gallery from my vacation 🤍
